Get Your Ass Out the Trash!
We are both at a loss at how to frame this situation, so we will simply label it a CAUTIONARY post for all the single ladies. Avoid these men at all cost! You deserve better honey! :)
A few of our female readers felt that we had been going pretty hard on the women in recent posts. I thought perhaps they could be right, and welcomed this chance to call out triflin’ ass men! Here is my list of “ain’t about nothing men”. Enjoy!
Mr. Perpetually Broke – Let me distinguish this guy from the man who came up on hard times due to the recession and lacks money for necessities. Mr. Perpetually Broke is quite different. He claims to never have any money, but always has the newest Jordans. He claims to never have any money but somehow is always poppin’ bottles in the club. He needs to learn the word “PRIORITIES!”
Mr. Sponge – Drop Mr. Sponge into any situation and he will suck it dry. He preys on the insecurities and desperation of women to get all of his desires fulfilled. Should he need a new watch, he calls Wanda. Should he need $200, he calls Sharon. You get the point.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf – Every time you turn around there is drama with this guy. With every phone call or text you just know that he will be recounting another sad story. “Oh Baby, I’ve been shot.” “Baby, my mans n ‘em got beef and I gotta go handle that.” There is literally always some catastrophic, earth-shifting event occurring in this man’s life. His way of life is entirely too draining to comprehend, or support. NEXT!
Mr. ‘I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me’ - …and I have no privacy! (Related sidebar, I will never understand how the late great MJ ended up singing background for Rockwell. But I digress. RIP MJ!) Anyhoo, you have all met the guy who keeps such good tabs on you that he should be your assistant, and managing your calendar. It is one thing to show interest in what I am doing, but it is quite another to be completely creepy and possessive about it. Showing up unexpectedly at my doctor’s office, home, place of employment, place of worship--or anywhere that I didn’t tell you to meet me--will quickly get you on restraining order status.
The Self-Proclaimed Beast in the Bedroom – He is one of THE worst offenders. We have all met the guy who brags about how he’s gonna beat it up, lay it down, flip ya sideways, make ya momma sing, and have you crying at the feet of Jesus. Then the magical moment arrives, and you find it is over before you can get your panties off. You go back home trying to convince yourself that bad sex doesn’t really count against your “magic number”. Fellas, do yourself a favor: don’t write a check that ya dick can’t cash.
Mr. Willfully Unemployed – Again, this is not directed as those men affected by the economy. This is directed at those men who always have a hustle, each lasting for three months or less before they are on to the next thing. How is it that you flip houses, but you are listed on the Maryland Judiciary Case Search site with four foreclosures in your name? Please do explain how you own or manage a pre-owned car lot, yet you don’t have even a bicycle of your own. Sir, I suggest you visit Indeed.com and find a J-O-B!
Mr. ‘What Had Happened Was…’ – Ladies, have you ever talked to a guy, had him set up plans to go out, then you don’t hear from him for a week? Eventually he’ll call or text you with some excuse, apologize profusely, and set up a new date. Then you’ll discover there was no point in his setting the new date because a week later he calls with another tired excuse. Mr. ‘What Had Happened Was…’ please go that way!!!
The Consummate Baby Daddy - This man has 5 kids with 3.5 women. Do I even need to explain why you should run the other way? No, it isn’t because children suck the life and money out of everything; it is because this man fails to practice safe sex. He consistently has unprotected sex with multiple women that results in childbirth, yet never seems to learn his lesson. Oy vey!
Since most of my friends happen to be female, I hear story after story about how ninjas aren’t sh*t, and how women are tired of men that can’t fulfill their most simple of desires. Unfortunately, I can’t give a personal account of why this is because I am not a brother who falls into that demographic. I find that most women want to ultimately get a nut, and to feel loved (with the exception of A---who needs gifts as well); yet, a lot of ninjas can’t even fulfill those fundamental needs. In my opinion, it’s about time that women come up with a solution to this issue instead of complaining about it. So I present to you my personal solution on their behalf.
Most people want to crucify me when I tell them this, but it’s time for Black women to start dating White men! To clarify, I don’t mean the relationship where the hood Black woman dates the faux hood White man that looks like Paul Wall. I am speaking to the instance where a professional Black woman seeks a professional White man, as opposed to another “ain’t sh*t ninja” like those mentioned above.
Unfortunately ladies, the numbers don’t lie. There is a large faction of Black men who ain’t sh*t and the ones that have positive things going for them are either taken or gay. To be honest, I don’t knock you for looking for love with a Black man; Black love is a beautiful thing. But I’m frustrated with continuously seeing Black women give their love to undeserving ninjas only to have it backfire. So my position on the subject is one for progressive change.
One of my best friends consistently spews crap about being terrified of “the pink penis”. But I will pose the question here that I often ask her: Would you rather have a Black dude with no interest in progressing educationally, professionally, or spiritually? Or would you rather have someone that will love you and give you consistent sex—despite having a lighter pigmented penis? I’m just asking.
Though my opinion may not be the popular one, I believe that at the end of the day Black women deserve happiness. And if Black men aren’t giving you what you need, you may want to explore... um, pinker pastures--and that young White man who may be more deserving of your love.